Alright so I just had an epiphany…
So often I get asked ‘why health and wellness? Why do you love it so much?’ For the longest time, I didn’t know the answer. I had no intention of getting involved in the health and wellness world. It wasn’t until after my diagnosis that I was forced into a diet change that turned into a lifestyle change. My enjoyment and passion for it grew and evolved. Maybe it’s because doing these wellness things made me feel good – both mind and body? Maybe it’s because I am trying to make myself feel better about my chronic disease maintenance and new way of living? I was never quite sure…
A huge piece of my unfinished wellness puzzle is mental. (Not saying that the other pieces are perfect, but this piece is probably the furthest behind.) Meditation is something that I know is effective. But I have always had trouble motivating myself to partake.
One of my biggest struggles is getting myself to sit down, relax, and prioritize building mental strength and finding relaxation. Knowing the importance of building this for my healing, I set out on a hunt for a group meditation studio to help hold myself accountable to the practice. I attended my first sound bath meditation class – a relaxation technique that uses music-like sounds and instruments to encourage a change in the body’s brain waves. (The class was full – so if you’re interested, it’s not weird!)
I chose to sit down with the director of the wellness center to discuss some other offerings. He asked me the question… Why health and wellness? Why are you so interested in trying these things – reiki, thai yoga, meditation, etc.? In response, I repeated my generic answer: “I was diagnosed with cancer and attribute my current health status in part to my lifestyle changes. So, I am looking to continue this journey, explore, and find some cool other wellness things that I can try and incorporate into my life...” and it goes on.
But he kept digging and pushing me to find my deeper why. With every question I opened up just a little bit more. I admitted to having PTSD from my diagnosis, my constant cancer treatment, and always feeling so shitty. Every time I walk into a hospital, I get angry and mean. I am so tired of feeling sick, I am so tired of going to the hospital, and I am so tired of constantly being injected with toxic chemicals. I would literally do anything and everything to heal myself and learn to maintain my health to a point where I am no longer reliant on conventional treatment to hold me stable. I am just out here with a completely open mind looking for any possible health-improving options.
As I slowly ween off my experimental conventional medications, I feel so much fear and anxiety yet also so much peace and joy. Less treatment means less anger and more normalcy, but it also means no longer having medication as a backup system. Boosting my health holistically gives me an important sense of control over my body’s ability to fight for itself.
So that is my answer, my much deeper answer – I love all things health and wellness because I don’t want anything more but to feel confident in my body’s ability to heal and keep itself healthy on its own. This answer has helped me to understand my motivation and make decisions with intention and direction.
Two plus years of medical treatment, one liver resection, and multiple cryo-ablations later… I have been stable for almost a year now. My new goal is to make use of my new perspective, to build the confidence in myself and my body to fight on its own with the help of an open mind, meditation, and mindset work.